Teen...Tears...and Time!! ❤️❤️💗💗

I can't believe that my daughter is going to be a teenager this year!! I can't even explain the numerous amount of conversations we had about what all we would do when she turned 13 and Mikey 16...vacation was at the top of her list of course lol. I think about the time that has passed, almost five years, and it feels like she just died yesterday. I can still see her face leaning over to the side as she got off the bus that day in those black ankle boots she ALWAYS wanted to wear. So many times I try to go back to the last time I heard her voice but it makes me cry uncontrollable tears then I'm like trying to watch home videos and OMG that's even worse. IDK what to do it's crazy but so true. I look at my husband and the boys and I know Joey wants to talk about her more than he does which is a lot but he hates to see me cry. I always wonder why did this happen....like what is supposed to come from this???  I still don't know 😩😩🙄🙄 but I am more compassionate and giving. I was never one to always want to pay for others but now it's just like I never know if this will be the last time I'm with them so I just want to shower them with all I have ❤️❤️❤️ so I thank you Lord for that. I would have never dreamed that I wouldn't have my daughter here with me I'm kinda still in shock but I know that she wouldn't want her momma crying everyday and not taking care of her brothers. Madysen if only I could love like you I would be a better person thank you for being the glue for our family and passing that on to Joey and your hugs and kisses on to Houy.....💗💗😊😊. 

We love you and miss you more than we could have ever thought....until we hug again love mommy💗💗😘😘

 

3 BOYS 3 YEARS LATER....

so I really don’t know where to begin!!! Its been 3 years today since my whole life was changed literally in an instant. Its so crazy how life works, this time 3 years ago I was sleeping in my bed because I had been at work all night prior. I remember Mady was so excited to go to school. She had on a skirt black stockings her black boots that she LOOOVVVEEDD hair in 2 afro puffs our  norm lol, and a purple vest like shirt.  Why do I remember that so well???? Crazy huh?? Its like I can see her little face and hear her voice.  I miss her so much. I just cant even function some days.  It just doesn’t feel real. I think I get so upset because Im like why, why my daughter?? Why not someone elses?? Sad but true.

 

God has a plan for my life. I think the fact that I am able to get out of bed and function 95% of the time says a lot, and I hope that I can help others who are hurting. I would have to say the best thing for me has been to journal. I have like 4 journals. I know sad, but true. I write down how I am feeling and things that trigger my tears. Like I was in CPR renewl the other day and almost lost it. I was thinking Cheresa get it together your in CPR class for goodness sake!! 

The boys are not even the same boys. She would love them even more now. Houston is so fun, Joey is so smart and Michael well he still does not want to be bothered or touched lol but  knowing Madysen she would do it anyway.

Houston 3years

 MIchael 14years

 Joey 6 years

 

They are so big now!!

***Jesus thank you for blessing me with such an amzaing understanding family***

A Fathers Love........

Joe and I were recently asked to answer questions about how support from family and friends has affected our marriage in a positive or negative manner..... It was CRAZY!!! Well crazy in a good way. It is really hard for us, well me to express my feelings about Madys death. Its like my brain just wont go there, but then it goes there all the time and I'm like OMG I cant cry all day again today. Anyway it was perfect that I went and gave my thoughts one day and then Joe and I came back so he could give his thoughts. All I can say is my husband LOOOOVVVVEEESSS his baby girl. Just sitting there hearing him talk about her and how much he misses her I was unable to stop the tears from running down my face. He just jumps right in with.... " I love my daughter so much, and I cant believe shes gone.....it was so crazy how everything went down, it just doesn't feel real." He basically was saying all the things that I feel, because it is crazy, but because I wont let myself go there I never knew my sunshine felt the same way as me. I think as a mother we feel that our pain is the worse its like I carried that baby for 9 months KNOW one feels the pain in their heart like I do!!!! But to hear my husband who is this big strong man break down and say I miss my daughter, she was the glue to our family, I would give anything to hear her voice, or hug her. I wanted to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. I wanted her brothers and I to scare away any boys who came around. Then he goes on to say she thought I was everything. She thought daddy was superman!!! She always ate the food I cooked, she was just everything and I miss her. I can still see her face as I gave her CPR that night. Then of course I truly lost it, because as strong as I think I am and as many times as I have given CPR I don't know if I could have that picture burned in my memory forever, and even though he does, he keeps all that in and worries if I am doing ok. His classic statement is "I have to be strong for my wife!" I love that man!!!

For God so Loved the world that He gave His ONLY son.........I don't think you truly process that statement until you have a lost your baby. Its like why would anyone give up their only child for the world?? It just makes the verse that much more meaningful to me.

Everyday is a struggle and I honestly don't think my brain has fully processed the fact that Mady is gone, and I wont get to hug her kiss her full lips or hear her raspy voice, but knowing that my father in Heaven has been down this road with his ONLY son helps keep me sane.

 Finally the support from family and friends has been SUPERIOR!!

Declined!!!!....Really???!!

"Declined.....ummmm declined again....John it didn't go through!!!". Yep that was me little Ms. RN with all the big money having my debit card declined at the freaking nail salon. Really why me I asked my self why me. Well maybe because I didn't have any money,obviously, and the nail salon isn't where I should be lol. That moment brought me back to another time I was declined at Sonic withMady attempting to get a drink before we headed home. I was like look sir idk why my card isn't working I can leave you a check and bring it back my daughter had pretty much drank her whole drink...ok no problem. Really??!! Ok off I rush to get money to pay them Madysen says really mom your card didnt go through. Why not???!  It always goes through. That little girl of mine  true Diva. Thinking of that moment and how innocent Madysens question was why not mom it always goes through I really didn't have the words to make her understand.....it made me think of how God feels right now when I ask him day in and out Why did you take my only daughter from me my love the glue to our family why didn't she make it she always makes it when she's having a hard time breathing. Why not this time. Hes trying to make me understand by showing me different things I know he is but at this very moment I just don't get it. I just have to believe that he will never hurt me and continue to trust him which is hard I'm not going to sit here and say Im not mad at God sometimes because I am. My heart is broken and I don't know WHY??!! But.....just like my baby girl trusted her momma to fix the problem so she could have her lemonade with Fanta  orange lol I have to trust that God will fix my broken heart. He loves me waaaayyy more than I could ever love Mady. So I have to keep going and doing what I need to do because I don't want to get to the gates of Heaven and hear DECLINED!!!! Because if I know my daughter she will say why momma why didn't you make it???!! By then it will be too late.

Legacy....

"I want to leave a legacy..how will they remember me...will I choose to Love???!!"
Those are the first few lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Nicole Nordeman.
As I think back over these last 6months of my life that word has become more important to me. I recently returned from Iceland with a group of highschool students from Legacy High...so when they hear that word school automatically comes to mind or their friends. In a different aspect they may even think of Ms McGuinness their trip sponsor whom they all adore. When I think of her legacy "great teacher" comes to mind no doubt....but what about me??!! Losing Madysen so suddenly broke my heart and has truly changed my perspective on SOOOOOO many things it's crazy how one thing can change your whole world.
Speaking of Madysen....oh my I could speak on her forevvveeerrr!! When I look back over her 8 years of life that little girl was AMAZING. She impacted so many people and I had no clue. She is known for her beautiful smile charm kind heart and loquacious nature. Literally every card that I've received states Mady we loved your smile. Her teachers always went on and on about her being a chatty Cathy!! Lol. One card I received from a woman I didn't even know stating how wonderful Mady was to her daughter when know one else would. :) I mean at 8 she touched a whole community...everyone I see still has their RIP Madysen bracelets on....I can't have a breakdown with out someone calling me because they are having a breakdown. Lol. It's just mind blowing to me because I never knew how much she meant to EVERYONE...it makes my heart smile that my baby girl has left such a great LEGACY!!!
So now me...the mommy...oh wow!!!! Well let me just state Madysen was nothing like her mother lol!!...I'm quiet but can be chatty at times...never been known as "the life of the party" lol. I'm working hard to be known as a strong woman God...I want Gods light to shine so bright in me their is NO DOUBT he's the center of my joy. To be honest it's not easy not easy at all!!! Every day I have struggles...hurdles you name it....but I have to remember the joy of the Lord is my strength!!! Stay focused Cheresa I continue to tell myself!!! Keep your eyes on HEAVEN!!!....because if I know Mady her exact words will be "momma I told Jesus to put your name in the Book of Life but he said you didn't make it but I did..sorry!!" and then she gives you the fake smile she always did!! Hahahahaha that girl of mine you have to love her!!!
It still doesn't feel real but I continue to hang on to the fact that I WILL see my princess again!!!!

PICTURE PERFECT..........

Oh my!!! Its been forever since I made a post but its just been soooooooo freaking hard!!! I can honestly say that I've never missed anyone so much in my entire 30 years of living!!! As for the title "Picture Perfect" well well well, my daughter is a picture freak lol to say the least. She ALWAYS had my phone or her dads phone, or the IPad taking pics of her self, making mini movies of herself I mean it was never ending with this girl. I have to laugh now because I would always say Mady leave momma's phone alone but now IDK what I would do with out those precious moments. She is just a doll baby, and her little voice is so raspy, I know without a doubt she was going to be a singer/actor/performer of some kind.  Makes me smile even harder because I know she is putting on show for Jesus, thats just what she does....my baby is a STAR!!!

Its so funny too becuase I can remember soooooo many times when my husband is in the chair, I am on the couch the boys on the floor and Madysen is putting on a show for us lol thats just what she did. My house is not the same and NEVER will be because she is not bouncing through there. Her brothers and dad miss her so much I can see it in my husbands face he doesnt like to talk about it that much but he misses his baby girl....everyone does. She has been tap dancing on our hearts these last two weeks, leave it to Mady lol. When we were preparing everything for the funeral my sisiter-n-law said to me: "I cant believe how many pictures you have of her, that's crazy I dont know what I would do if something happen to my daughter because we just dont take a lot of pics of her like that."
Its so funny how something as small as taking a zillion pics of your children, and them growing up and taking a zillion pics of themselves can turn into the BEST thing in your life. I truly don't know what I would do if I didnt have all the 'mini movies' of my baby girl or the zillion pics of  her.

****God works things out for his people I tell you that much he really does, he has brought me from numb,to angry, and now I have joy and am greatful. I was numb when it happened I felt like I was walking through a fog, still do at times but its better now. The anger was more of a WWWWHHHYYYY??? Why in the world would you take my baby GOD?? Am I not a great mommy??!! She was my ONLY daughter where is the mercy??!!! Then I think of how SELFISH I was being, feeling that way about my GOD!! The one who gave his ONLY child for me, you know me, the sinner...yep thats me the bad person that good things have happened to.*******

~So now I feel like ok Cheresa your daughter is gone you WILL see her agian but you have got to get yourself on track and pray/focus. She is waiting for her momma you know that, she is cheering you on praying that your name will be in the "Book of Life",and if you dont get your crap together she will be the first one to say "sorry you didnt make it momma but I'm good" lol.~

Ok, I have rambled on and on and on goodness. The main point is I miss my girl so freaking much, but I will not let anyone or anything keep me from seeing her face again!!!! My eyes are set on HEAVEN!!!!