Nervous...Nervous...Nervous..

OMG!!! Its been almost 5 months since you were taken from me....my heart aches so bad I love you Madysen Jo Simmons, so much!!!

I feel nervous ALL the time!! You know how you feel when something is about to happen, good or bad, just like constant butterflies in your tummy well thats how I feel ALL the time, as I stress ALL lol.. Will this feeling EVER go away?? Sometimes I dont even know which way is up, or what Im doing or where Im going lol its so CRAZY to me. I really do feel like Im dreaming, the tears just flow so often now. I think I was so numb at first and now her death is starting to become "real" if that makes sense, because we are starting to plan family trips and her birthday is just around the corner uuuuuuugggghhhh whats a mother to do???!!!
Pray??, Cry??, Go hide in the corner??, or continue doing meanignless crap around the house like cleaning lol, that I would never want to do. Keeping my mind busy helps I will say that much. I remember when my friends mother died and they all kept moving around and walking in and out the service I thought to myself WTH is wrong with them (hahaha) but now I get it!!!  Praying, I can honestly say my fatih has not been where it should be, I dont want to say I am mad at God but I am like God why??? Why would you take my baby from me sooooooo soon I had plans for us to do this and that and on and on...then I sit back and remember Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to proseper you and not to harm you,plans to give you HOPE and a future."  That right there is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane!!! I know that verse like the back of my hand, it has helped me many many times. I keep telling myself God loves you Cheresa he would never hurt you, all of this is being done for a reason just relax and let him take control, which is HARD for me to do because I want to RUN EVERYTHING!!!! Death will truly let you know whos boss and that you dont RUN crap!!!! Crying has helped and believe me I have cried a river, lake and ocean of tears.....never knew I could cry so much but it does help to get it all out that was a huge problem I would attempt to keep it in but I was told by a wise man "crying is good, you may cry everyday for a year."   Ok enough, I have a zillion stories about my "prettiest girl" that is what I always called her, and will share all of them. Just had to get this out. More to come........