Declined!!!!....Really???!!

"Declined.....ummmm declined again....John it didn't go through!!!". Yep that was me little Ms. RN with all the big money having my debit card declined at the freaking nail salon. Really why me I asked my self why me. Well maybe because I didn't have any money,obviously, and the nail salon isn't where I should be lol. That moment brought me back to another time I was declined at Sonic withMady attempting to get a drink before we headed home. I was like look sir idk why my card isn't working I can leave you a check and bring it back my daughter had pretty much drank her whole drink...ok no problem. Really??!! Ok off I rush to get money to pay them Madysen says really mom your card didnt go through. Why not???!  It always goes through. That little girl of mine  true Diva. Thinking of that moment and how innocent Madysens question was why not mom it always goes through I really didn't have the words to make her understand.....it made me think of how God feels right now when I ask him day in and out Why did you take my only daughter from me my love the glue to our family why didn't she make it she always makes it when she's having a hard time breathing. Why not this time. Hes trying to make me understand by showing me different things I know he is but at this very moment I just don't get it. I just have to believe that he will never hurt me and continue to trust him which is hard I'm not going to sit here and say Im not mad at God sometimes because I am. My heart is broken and I don't know WHY??!! But.....just like my baby girl trusted her momma to fix the problem so she could have her lemonade with Fanta  orange lol I have to trust that God will fix my broken heart. He loves me waaaayyy more than I could ever love Mady. So I have to keep going and doing what I need to do because I don't want to get to the gates of Heaven and hear DECLINED!!!! Because if I know my daughter she will say why momma why didn't you make it???!! By then it will be too late.

Legacy....

"I want to leave a legacy..how will they remember me...will I choose to Love???!!"
Those are the first few lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Nicole Nordeman.
As I think back over these last 6months of my life that word has become more important to me. I recently returned from Iceland with a group of highschool students from Legacy High...so when they hear that word school automatically comes to mind or their friends. In a different aspect they may even think of Ms McGuinness their trip sponsor whom they all adore. When I think of her legacy "great teacher" comes to mind no doubt....but what about me??!! Losing Madysen so suddenly broke my heart and has truly changed my perspective on SOOOOOO many things it's crazy how one thing can change your whole world.
Speaking of Madysen....oh my I could speak on her forevvveeerrr!! When I look back over her 8 years of life that little girl was AMAZING. She impacted so many people and I had no clue. She is known for her beautiful smile charm kind heart and loquacious nature. Literally every card that I've received states Mady we loved your smile. Her teachers always went on and on about her being a chatty Cathy!! Lol. One card I received from a woman I didn't even know stating how wonderful Mady was to her daughter when know one else would. :) I mean at 8 she touched a whole community...everyone I see still has their RIP Madysen bracelets on....I can't have a breakdown with out someone calling me because they are having a breakdown. Lol. It's just mind blowing to me because I never knew how much she meant to EVERYONE...it makes my heart smile that my baby girl has left such a great LEGACY!!!
So now me...the mommy...oh wow!!!! Well let me just state Madysen was nothing like her mother lol!!...I'm quiet but can be chatty at times...never been known as "the life of the party" lol. I'm working hard to be known as a strong woman God...I want Gods light to shine so bright in me their is NO DOUBT he's the center of my joy. To be honest it's not easy not easy at all!!! Every day I have struggles...hurdles you name it....but I have to remember the joy of the Lord is my strength!!! Stay focused Cheresa I continue to tell myself!!! Keep your eyes on HEAVEN!!!....because if I know Mady her exact words will be "momma I told Jesus to put your name in the Book of Life but he said you didn't make it but I did..sorry!!" and then she gives you the fake smile she always did!! Hahahahaha that girl of mine you have to love her!!!
It still doesn't feel real but I continue to hang on to the fact that I WILL see my princess again!!!!

PICTURE PERFECT..........

Oh my!!! Its been forever since I made a post but its just been soooooooo freaking hard!!! I can honestly say that I've never missed anyone so much in my entire 30 years of living!!! As for the title "Picture Perfect" well well well, my daughter is a picture freak lol to say the least. She ALWAYS had my phone or her dads phone, or the IPad taking pics of her self, making mini movies of herself I mean it was never ending with this girl. I have to laugh now because I would always say Mady leave momma's phone alone but now IDK what I would do with out those precious moments. She is just a doll baby, and her little voice is so raspy, I know without a doubt she was going to be a singer/actor/performer of some kind.  Makes me smile even harder because I know she is putting on show for Jesus, thats just what she does....my baby is a STAR!!!

Its so funny too becuase I can remember soooooo many times when my husband is in the chair, I am on the couch the boys on the floor and Madysen is putting on a show for us lol thats just what she did. My house is not the same and NEVER will be because she is not bouncing through there. Her brothers and dad miss her so much I can see it in my husbands face he doesnt like to talk about it that much but he misses his baby girl....everyone does. She has been tap dancing on our hearts these last two weeks, leave it to Mady lol. When we were preparing everything for the funeral my sisiter-n-law said to me: "I cant believe how many pictures you have of her, that's crazy I dont know what I would do if something happen to my daughter because we just dont take a lot of pics of her like that."
Its so funny how something as small as taking a zillion pics of your children, and them growing up and taking a zillion pics of themselves can turn into the BEST thing in your life. I truly don't know what I would do if I didnt have all the 'mini movies' of my baby girl or the zillion pics of  her.

****God works things out for his people I tell you that much he really does, he has brought me from numb,to angry, and now I have joy and am greatful. I was numb when it happened I felt like I was walking through a fog, still do at times but its better now. The anger was more of a WWWWHHHYYYY??? Why in the world would you take my baby GOD?? Am I not a great mommy??!! She was my ONLY daughter where is the mercy??!!! Then I think of how SELFISH I was being, feeling that way about my GOD!! The one who gave his ONLY child for me, you know me, the sinner...yep thats me the bad person that good things have happened to.*******

~So now I feel like ok Cheresa your daughter is gone you WILL see her agian but you have got to get yourself on track and pray/focus. She is waiting for her momma you know that, she is cheering you on praying that your name will be in the "Book of Life",and if you dont get your crap together she will be the first one to say "sorry you didnt make it momma but I'm good" lol.~

Ok, I have rambled on and on and on goodness. The main point is I miss my girl so freaking much, but I will not let anyone or anything keep me from seeing her face again!!!! My eyes are set on HEAVEN!!!!

Nervous...Nervous...Nervous..

OMG!!! Its been almost 5 months since you were taken from me....my heart aches so bad I love you Madysen Jo Simmons, so much!!!

I feel nervous ALL the time!! You know how you feel when something is about to happen, good or bad, just like constant butterflies in your tummy well thats how I feel ALL the time, as I stress ALL lol.. Will this feeling EVER go away?? Sometimes I dont even know which way is up, or what Im doing or where Im going lol its so CRAZY to me. I really do feel like Im dreaming, the tears just flow so often now. I think I was so numb at first and now her death is starting to become "real" if that makes sense, because we are starting to plan family trips and her birthday is just around the corner uuuuuuugggghhhh whats a mother to do???!!!
Pray??, Cry??, Go hide in the corner??, or continue doing meanignless crap around the house like cleaning lol, that I would never want to do. Keeping my mind busy helps I will say that much. I remember when my friends mother died and they all kept moving around and walking in and out the service I thought to myself WTH is wrong with them (hahaha) but now I get it!!!  Praying, I can honestly say my fatih has not been where it should be, I dont want to say I am mad at God but I am like God why??? Why would you take my baby from me sooooooo soon I had plans for us to do this and that and on and on...then I sit back and remember Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to proseper you and not to harm you,plans to give you HOPE and a future."  That right there is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane!!! I know that verse like the back of my hand, it has helped me many many times. I keep telling myself God loves you Cheresa he would never hurt you, all of this is being done for a reason just relax and let him take control, which is HARD for me to do because I want to RUN EVERYTHING!!!! Death will truly let you know whos boss and that you dont RUN crap!!!! Crying has helped and believe me I have cried a river, lake and ocean of tears.....never knew I could cry so much but it does help to get it all out that was a huge problem I would attempt to keep it in but I was told by a wise man "crying is good, you may cry everyday for a year."   Ok enough, I have a zillion stories about my "prettiest girl" that is what I always called her, and will share all of them. Just had to get this out. More to come........

Boiled Eggs!!!

I love boiled eggs try to eat them often because they are supposed to help flatten you tummy so far not so good lol. As I was making some this morning for breakfast my darling Madysen came to mind...like ALWAYS!! She's a doll. Anyway one day I was sleeping and she comes in my room and says mom I want a boiled egg like Mikey has I said ok honey have him make you one of course he wouldn't so like any mother of the year I yelled from my room Michael make your sister an egg before I come in there with the belt....yeah right I'm sure is what he was thinking. So of course he doesn't make it and next thing I hear is BOOM!!!! That's right my baby girl was going to make her egg her self and she put it in the microwave!!! Of course I jumped out of bed ran in the kitchen...her eyes were so WIDE of course she was crying and said mommy he wouldn't make it for me....Mady you can't make a boiled egg in the microwave ok....yes ma'am!!
Oh that little girl of mine.....I would give anything to hug her one more time kiss her full little lips and squeeze her little fat hips!!! I miss her more then anyone could ever know....

All over my heart!!

Madysen oh how I miss you. It seems so weird doing this thing called life without you. I love you so much. Your brothers are missing you like crazy they say it all the time. Today was our first time going to the 89ers thing in Guthrie I know how much you've wanted to go but honey it's so overrated you have said "momma lets go" lol the lines were long but I know you would have been loving the food lol. Never knew this would be so hard I keep waiting for you to come in my room and wake me up and tell me I have been having a bad dream this whole time oh how I wish!!! Love you so much Mady miss you like crazy until we meet again.

Missing you more than you would ever know, I never knew I could miss someone so much.

I love you and miss you so much Madysen Jo